


I Found

by FlightlessAngels



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M, Pining, Really Heavy Angst (no clickbait), hansol and donghyuck are only mentioned, im not lying, turn back while you can
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-22 20:26:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11974389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlightlessAngels/pseuds/FlightlessAngels
Summary: Everyone has their own ending to their story and Taeyong has his.





	I Found

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tukimecca](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tukimecca/gifts).



> Inspired heavily by Adele's All I Ask and our lovely tukimecca's tweet prompt :-  
> https://twitter.com/uritarzan/status/843988750585675777

The typical love story would start with the sun blaring down; rays of sunlight finding their way through the green leaves with heat prickling his skins like hot needles. It was to be expected, it was summer after all. The wooden bench was warm under his touch, and he was thankful that it wasn’t made from iron or else, he couldn’t sit there and wait.

It was already near the end of August yet the summer heat seemed to be lingering longer than usual. Sweats started dripping down his back and the thin tank top he was wearing was starting to stick to his skin, making the lad groaned in discomfort. He was never made for hot weather like these but then again he was neither made for the cold as well. So the only thing he could do was sighing at the misfortune of his body’s toleration with the temperature of his surroundings.

He was about to pull out his phone to check the time for the nth time when a sudden hand gripped his shoulder, jolting him in the surprise. A low chuckle left from the lips of the intruder and he could feel the butterflies in his stomach flutter about. Frowning, he turned to his head to the other.

“You’re late!” Taeyong whined, pout replacing the former frown.

The blonde laughed, plopping down on the empty space beside the smaller lad. “I’m sorry, the lecturer held us back for a bit to discuss an assignment.” His hand reached into his pocket and pull out a chocolate bar, dangling it in front of Taeyong’s face. “Take it and wipe that ugly look on your face. You look hideous when you’re not smiling.”

“I hate you,” he replied but still took the candy out of the other’s hold.

“I’m sure you do.”

Taeyong ignored him and proceed to tear the plastic open. It was his favourite brand of chocolate, the one that could only be found at certain shops and the thought made Taeyong smiled. Jaehyun always knew what he liked, what he hated. What made him mad and what could make him feel better. There’s a reason why Jaehyun was his best friend after all.

Taeyong always found it fascinating how the name “Jung Jaehyun” could turn someone’s frown into a smile, perking up people’s ears in interest, making them stop whatever they were doing. It was as if it was a spell, you roll the name out on your tongue and people were somewhat in trance, giving you their attention.

The boy was charming, gentle eyes watching you as he listened to you talking, dimples pooled deep in both cheeks as he smiled when he felt amused. His newly dyed blonde hair was what captivated people the most, complementing his pale complexion as people were left star struck when the end of his lips turned upwards as the straight row of his pearly white teeth made their appearance as he laughed. He was like a sun in spring with the colourful flowers bloomed as they were being showered with the softest rays.

But it wasn’t the appearance of his that made Taeyong adore of him. It was the kindness that seeped out of Jaehyun whenever and wherever he was. Jaehyun was the friend that handed his hand to people without needing to speak, the one that helped you breathe by clipping away the thorns that was strapped around your neck, the one who would hug you to assure that it was okay to be sad because humans are humans we are bound to be shadowed by grey clouds. He gave people the kind of assurance that everything was safe despite he himself never asked for the return.

And this isn’t called a typical love story if Taeyong wasn’t in love with his best friend.

He knew that it was bound to happen – Taeyong had expected it. With the way the blonde carried himself with so much confidence, aura so strong yet so gentle, it took him no time to pull his heart out and set it at Jaehyun’s feet. He knew that it was dangerous to let his most fragile part of him to be given to someone else but the whisper behind his mind told him that the other was worth it, that his best friend was worth it. Jaehyun was always worth the risk.

They walked out of the campus, leaving the shade they were in to walk to a nearby café called Le Petit Jardin. Jaehyun was excited seeing that it was new and the reviews of the public on the café were all positive. If Jaehyun were to have a tail, Taeyong could imagine how his tail would wag side to side balancing it with his beaming face. The older giggled behind his hand.

It was quite a long walk- taking around twenty minutes of them searching the place. Adding to the fact Jaehyun brought them to the wrong turn, _Hyung, believe me it’s this way. I’m sure of it_. Then, they _finally_ arrived at the café after Taeyong used his own phone to find the place and it took them less struggle. Jaehyun pouted, claiming his phone was the one at fault and Taeyong rolled his eyes despite having a smile plastered on his lips.

As soon as they stepped through the entrance, Taeyong’s mouth was left agape. It still had the aura of any other café but the decorations brought both of them in awe. There were plants everywhere, with red, yellow, pink and purple peaked amongst the sea of green. The floor was wood, with wooden chairs and tables harmonizing them together. At the corner, there were small shelves stacked with books and magazines, a small stereo set playing a soft jazz song and a few paints hung against the walls.

One might see the place as cluttered but for Taeyong, it looked magical. There was a mini garden at the back and the trees were hanged with jars with candles in them. It reminded him of one of those Studio Ghiblis movies that he and his little brother Donghyuck would watch, bringing his inner child to be pulled out. He didn’t know how long he was gawked at the place with his feet glued on the floor until Jaehyun pulled him towards a nearby table, muttering how embarrassing Taeyong was under his breath.

“Jaehyun, this place is amazing!” Taeyong squealed once he set his bag on one of the seats.

“I know, that’s why I brought you here. I know you’ll love it.” The tone of his honey voice had Taeyong’s eyes darted to the boy sitting in front of him. There it was, the soft look on Jaehyun’s face – the smile that never failed to make Taeyong’s chest to squeeze. Embarrassed, he tore his gaze away as he felt blood rushed up to his cheeks. Taeyong hoped Jaehyun didn’t see that.

“So, what do you want to drink? I heard the drinks here are amazing too.” They both looked over the counter where at the back of it was the menu with different types of drinks and pastries written in colourful chalks. His doe eyes skimmed through the names of the familiar caffeine drinks but in the end settled with a strawberry smoothie instead.

Jaehyun strutted his way to the counter to make their order and Taeyong could see a cute barista on duty - even from where their table was. Jaehyun came forward and they did the customary of taking orders and payment. Taeyong turned to his bag, taking out his laptop and some notes - focused on the task that his lecturer gave earlier and oblivious of what was happening between Jaehyun and the barista.

When their order was taken and the barista continued to make their drinks, Jaehyun walked back to their table, plump cheeks in rose and ears being in the same state as he hastily sat down. Taeyong gave his friend a confused look as he watched Jaehyun covered his face with his hands.

“What happened? Your face is all red.” He asked as he put down one of the notes beside his laptop.           

“Nothing. Just – yeah, nothing.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, hyung. Nothing’s wrong, just a slip of the tongue when I was ordering. That’s all.”

Taeyong arched his eyebrow at the blonde but then shrugged his shoulders. Jaehyun can be embarrassed easily so Taeyong didn’t find it weird for the boy’s face to be a tomato from time to time. He was about to arrange his notes when a low voice called out “Americano and strawberry smoothie for Moomin” came from the same cute barista. Both of Taeyong’s eyebrows shot up, looking at Jaehyun whose face was darker shade of crimson than before.

The younger quickly made his way to the counter; both he and the barista shared a shy giggle before he brought the drinks to the table. Taeyong was in disbelief of what he just heard and Jaehyun tried to avoid from the piercing of the elder’s gaze. Slowly, a smile crept on to Taeyong’s face. This was quite amusing.

“Moomin?” Taeyong echoed back the name that the barista had called earlier.

“Sh- shut up. It was a joke, alright?”

“Sure, Hyunnie. Whatever you say,” he laughed.

“Just stop. Let’s talk about something else. So, how was your day, hyung?”

And they talked; well mostly Taeyong was the one who did the talking. He whined about how hot it was despite he wore the thinnest clothes he had (albeit the fact he wore a long sleeve shirt over his tank top), how Taeyong’s younger brother – Donghyuck kept asking him when he’s going back home and how worried he was for the upcoming tests. Jaehyun, the angel and the good friend himself, nodded at every word as he showed his concern towards his friend.

“I don’t know, Hyunnie. I just feel like my moves aren’t sharp enough.”

“Taeyongie hyung, you’re moves are sharp enough, believe me. You’ll be breaking a bone if you want it to be sharper than it already is. Plus, what are you talking about? You’re the best dancer in the university, stop doubting yourself.”

Taeyong willed down the blush from appearing, eyes fixed on the black screen of his laptop. “You haven’t seen Ten yet. He’s better than me.” He mumbled quietly.

“Hyung, look at me.” The sudden demand had Taeyong snapped his head to look at Jaehyun, the other’s lips pulled downwards as he gaze intensely at Taeyong.

“You need to stop comparing yourself to Ten hyung. Maybe for you, Ten hyung is the best but in _my_ eyes, _you’re_ the best. You can deny my opinion and shove another ten million of people’s name to me and say they’re a better dancer than you but for _me_ , I’d still think you’re the greatest. So stop all these questions of self-worthy because we both know you’re going to do amazing.”

Taeyong’s pink lips tightened after Jaehyun finished talking. The way he spoke so highly of Taeyong, putting so much of trust in him made Taeyong silent. Of course, people had complimented him on his talents but the way Jaehyun pulled him out of his hesitation and blanketed him with all the support had his heart stare at the other in awe. He could feel the deafening pound of his heart against his chest, the choke of sob that threatened him to let out if he made any sound, the sting of tears in his eyes as they held the stare Jaehyun gave him. It was all overwhelming and it’s all because of a one compliment.

In the end, Taeyong could only nod and accept whatever Jaehyun gave him. Who was he to ask for more from Jaehyun himself? If Jaehyun threw him compliments and support, he should pick it up with his bare arms and treasure them in a box and keep it locked away from all the eyes and ears wandering around. Jaehyun was too kind to shred Taeyong apart and left him in pieces. Instead, he was the only one that would glue him back together even if there were traces of scars and scratch but that didn’t matter to Jaehyun. Because what mattered to him was to keep his best friend blanketed in safety and mend the wound that he saw.

Taeyong laughed at his pathetic self. _Such a typical love story it is._

 

 

####

 

 

The cold air of the air condition in the small studio they were did no justice on Taeyong’s sweaty body as he lied on the floor. He could practically feel the steam came out of his body as he watched the dark grey ceiling of the room. The stereo boomed out a heavy bass of a song and his head turned to the mirror on his right.

In the mirror, he could see Ten dancing, moves elegant yet sharp with his dark orbs trained on his own reflection that Taeyong was watching. He watched as the Thai’s hand moves into such delicate move, feet moving fast – catching up to the beat of the song. Taeyong always imagined Ten as a swan, arms spread out in such a sophisticated manner like spreading its wing to show their pride of how beautiful they were. Yet the contrast of his feline eyes poured a tinge of mirth in him as he spun.

When the song finally ended, Ten ended his freestyle dance with him kneeling on the floor with his head hung low. But just a few seconds after that, he tilted his head up and he was grinning so widely like a child. It was such an endearing sight, different from what he looked earlier. “Are you done?” Taeyong asked as he got up and took his water bottle near the door.

“Yeah. I think I’m done for today.” Ten went to Taeyong’s side and took his own bottle, gulping down the water to satisfy his thirst. Taeyong wanted to ruffle the other’s head but when he saw how soaked his hair was with all the sweat, he retreated his hand. As much as he loved Ten, he was not ready for a sweat to sweat contact with the cheerful guy.

Ten was a second-year like Taeyong, a dance major too. Their first meeting was a bit of comedic; with Ten talking with all the energy he had contrasting with Taeyong who only nodded along with whatever the Thai was talking about. But it worked out for both of them – Taeyong being able to open up to Ten while the latter tried to control his excitement whenever he was around Taeyong (though he failed most of the time, he still tried).

“Don’t you have any plans with you boyfriend today?” Taeyong threw the towel he was drying with at Ten’s face, causing the younger to whine in disgust.

“Jaehyun is not my boyfriend, you noodle. Besides, he said he’s busy.” He tried saying as nonchalantly as possible but the heat that was creeping up his neck said otherwise.

“I didn’t say his name specifically now, did I?”

“Piss off, Ten.”

Ten looked over to Taeyong, the towel that was thrown earlier still in his hands. Quietly, he asked “You know, you could confess to him. Might be worth the shot.”

At that, Taeyong sat quietly with the bottle tightly wrapped in his fingers. Ten knew about his feelings; about his never ending yearn for Jaehyun. The former wasn’t supposed to know for Taeyong wanted to be silent of his affection for the younger yet he misjudged Ten. Ten might look like a like an ignorant cheerful boy but he was observant. When Taeyong thought no one looked, Ten saw them. The small touches, the genuine smiles, even the admiration of Taeyong’s eyes, he saw all of them.

It took Taeyong by surprise when the other came to him one day and confronted the matter. He asked so casually, “Hey, do you like Jaehyun?” with his face straight and innocent. Taeyong remembered how he spluttered and denied it at first but Ten was Ten and no matter how hard Taeyong tried to deny it, he eventually told the truth. Besides, he had to stick with Ten for a year without seeing Jaehyun on a daily basis, the Thai was bound to see through Taeyong by then.

“I told you, Ten. I’m not going to do it.” Taeyong sighed.

“Tae, you’ve been heads over heels for him since what? High school? And he applied for _this_ university instead of the one he dreamed of because you’re here, don’t you think that there’s at least a small chance of him liking you?” Ten weakly threw back the towel at him. It landed beside Taeyong.

“And what if he doesn’t?” Taeyong snapped. “What if he never looked at me the way I always do to him? And then what? I don’t want to risk my friendship just because of this stupid crush I have over him, Ten. He deserves more than that.”

His voice crack at the end, eyes glassy, air knocked out. Both of his fists were balled up, pushed against his face as the buzzing in his ears was getting louder. Ten quickly crawled to his friend and pulled him into a tight hug. Their bodies still drenched with sweat but Ten didn’t care.

“Oh Tae, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t push you. It’s not fair for you.” Ten whispered as he rubbed Taeyong’s back in tiny circles. Although Taeyong wanted to cry so badly, he knew it wasn’t worth it.

He felt disgusted with himself. Liking Jaehyun was not something he was proud of. It wasn’t Jaehyun that he was ashamed of. It was the other way around. Taeyong was embarrassed the fact that he liked Jaehyun. Jaehyun was everyone’s favourite, the talk of the people, the one that makes the whole room lights up whereas Taeyong? He was far from it, not even a half of what Jaehyun made of himself.

Taeyong still find it a miracle how he became friends with Jaehyun. Even when he looked back the first time they met, it was nothing special. He was just there, in the school’s library during lunch all alone with his papers and pencil box. And there’s Jaehyun, stumbling in with his books out of nowhere and sat in front of Taeyong. It was Jaehyun who initiated a conversation and it took him three months to finally get Taeyong to be comfortable around him.

While everyone else found it hard to be around Taeyong, it was Jaehyun who sat beside him without a care. He was there through the unpleasant times. Pathetic. Small. Timid. Those times where Taeyong found difficult in talking, making friends. Jaehyun was the one that wore the cape around his neck and help him breaking his shells slowly, tenderly. He would never be there; a step further to his dream if Jaehyun didn’t pushed him off the edge and let him learn to fly. Taeyong was in debt in him and to have feelings for someone that saved him was not something he asked for.

His shaking hands slowly pushed Ten back. The buzzing noise finally left his ears and his mind finally got a grip of himself.

“This is disgusting.” He chuckled weakly. Ten gave him a small smile.

“I don’t think Hansol hyung will appreciate how stink you smell right now.”

Tayong laugh, shoulders still heavy.

“He definitely won’t.”

 

 

####

 

 

Days passed and Taeyong got a bit busier than the last semester. The classes for the current semester required more of his time considering the number of projects and assignments were doubled. With more time spent with his classmates and Ten, his time with Jaehyun was slowly slipping away. And Taeyong felt bad. The younger kept texting him to have lunch or spend some time together but Taeyong had to reject his offers with long apologetics text – explaining he had work. He had once told Jaehyun he could try and excuse himself from the meeting for once but Jaehyun insisted that it was fine, it was important after all.

 _But you’re more important_ , his fingers hovered over the ‘send’ button.

He deleted it.

 

 

It was a week later, after he had sent all the assignments and perfected them with one last check that he finally had some time off. That meant one whole week of him not being able to see and text Jaehyun. So it wasn’t a surprise for him to crave some of Jaehyun attention and comfort. After he left the lecturer’s room with Ten in a toll, he quickly sends a text to his best friend saying that he was free for the week and he wanted to meet up. Within seconds, he got a reply back.

_My last class is finishing in 5 mins. Wait for me at the gate._

Taeyong felt giddy as he finished reading. He quickly bid Ten goodbye and ran off to the front gate where some students were going out as well. The sky was cloudy which relieved Taeyong since the heat for the past couple of days was unbearable. Summer seemed to linger longer that year, causing Taeyong to be in distressed considering he had to take twice the amount of his daily showers than necessary.

He sat on a nearby bench, fiddling with his long sleeved shirt. It’s been awhile since he met Jaehyun, the longest they hadn’t seen each other was a year ago where Jaehyun was still finishing high school and Taeyong had to enrol the first year. It was terrifying, not having Jaehyun by his side to assure him that everything was going to be alright. But in the end, he managed to go through the year with ease, gaining more confidence in himself in making friends and socialise.

Taeyong remembered how proud Jaehyun was when he told the other he made friends, how he managed to survive the year without him by his side. But there was a look that Jaehyun gave, it was in a split of seconds but Taeyong still caught it - replaced with dimpled cheeks and a small smile. _I see you don’t need me anymore_ , he recalled the reply Jaehyun gave. It made Taeyong frowned but Jaehyun laughed, hollow and forced. _I’m joking, hyung. You know that I would never leave you, right?_

 _Please don’t ever leave me_ , his heart cried. But it the words lump themselves in his throat. In the end, Taeyong only muttered _I know you wouldn’t_.

Taeyong was so deep in the lane of the bitter memory that he didn’t realise the deep voice calling him. When a hand nudged his shoulder, he let out an accident yelp and turned to the side. “Oh God, you okay there, hyung?” Jaehyun. He looked worried and Taeyong realised he must have looked like he just saw a ghost. “Yeah, I;m – I’m fine. Just… lost in thoughts.” Jaehyun was unconvinced, Taeyong could tell, but he decided to shrug it off.

They walked out of the campus with Jaehyun’s thumbs kept on tapping on his phone. It was a bit strange of him; Jaehyun had never been that engrossed into the bright screen of his phone. He didn’t talk much either other than greeting Taeyong earlier and it hurt Taeyong a bit the way he was acting, “So Hyunnie, where do you want to go?” he asked, hoping the younger would look at him. He missed the warm gaze of Jaehyun’s pretty brown eyes.

“I was wondering if we could go to the last café we went. The one with the mini garden.” The immediate reply took Taeyong aback but he agreed nonetheless. Jaehyun seemed excited to go back to that place anyways.

Same as the last time they went there, there weren’t many customers and the calming atmosphere eased Taeyong’s mind a bit. The difference this time was that Jaehyun called out “Sicheng!” as soon as his feet stepped onto the wooden floor. Sicheng, the cute barista that was on duty last time, greeted Jaehyun back with the same enthusiasm. Taeyong stood awkwardly beside Jaehyun as he watched both of the boys interacted.

Jaehyun smiled wide, eyes full with stars and shoulder relax. The barista said something but Taeyong didn’t hear. His eyes were fixed on Jaehyun. The blonde seemed so happy, so full of life. And for a moment, he saw the younger version of Jaehyun with his navy blue uniform. A wave of nostalgia washed over Taeyong as he shook his head to push the image away. For a second, he saw the Jaehyun that made him fell in love.

The way they acted around each other proved that Jaehyun must have gone there a few times without Taeyong. It stung, the needles of betrayal that prickled his chest as he realised that Jaehyun went there without telling him but then he remembered how busy he was, how he didn’t have time for Jaehyun. And to put it on top, Jaehyun didn’t have to tell him where he was going, who he met. Taeyong had no say in whatever he wanted to do. Jaehyun wasn’t his.

After a shared laugh over a joke that Taeyong didn’t bother to hear, Jaehyun seemingly just realised that Taeyong was there with him. He sent an apologetic smile and placed a hand on Taeyong’s shoulder, pulling him a bit closer. “I forgot to introduce. This is my best friend, Taeyong hyung. He’s a second-year.” Taeyong smiled nervously at Sicheng, the other responded by smiling sweetly.

“Nice to meet you, Taeyong hyung. My name’s Sicheng.” He offered his hand and Taeyong shook it gladly.

They continued to make their order, Jaehyun being the gentleman that he was, paid for it. Setting their bags down, they decided to sit near the pathway that led to the mini garden. The air was refreshing and for a moment, Taeyong forgot that they were in the city area. His eyes wandered to Jaehyun who was sporting dimpled cheeks with a grin plastered on his face, looking over the counter. The tinge of pink didn’t escape Taeyong’s vision and he trailed to where the younger was looking.

It was Sicheng.

Taeyong felt the needles from earlier pricking again.

“Hey Hyunnie,” Voice small, soft. The blonde turned his head to Taeyong. “I missed you.”

Jaehyun let out the smile, _the smile_. The smile that made Taeyong’s knees weak, eyes glimmer, warmth enveloping his body. The smile that he had been longed to see. A week was torturous enough for him not to see the smile. “I missed you too, hyung.”  He was about to say more but then Sicheng’s voice rang from the counter, calling out “Mocha and blueberry smoothie for Moomin.” A few weeks back, Taeyong would have laughed at the name, but not this time.

Jaehyun took their orders, not forgetting to banter a bit with the Chinese barista before going back to their table. Ears and cheeks red, shy smiles and glances. Taeyong wasn’t stupid. He knew that look too well. He had seen himself looking like that countless times.

Especially when he gave that look to Jaehyun.

 

 

Orange and purple had never looked so beautiful as they blend themselves in the sky with the earth slowly shying itself from facing the sun. It reminded of Taeyong the masterpieces Donghyuck often coloured on his sketchpad that Taeyong gave him for his birthday, crayons and coloured pencils danced around the white sheet, decorating the dull empty spaces with sparks of life. Donghyuck. Taeyong missed dearly of him.

Normally for a seven year old, they would often try to spend time with peers of their age. But Donghyuck was different – he always was to begin with. Instead of inviting his friends to go practice football with him, he would drag Taeyong when the sun still early from its duty. Taeyong couldn’t lie, there were days that his arms didn’t want to be pulled and let his body laze but the image of a sour looking Donghyuck was not his favourite. Taeyong despised to see his brother under a dark cloud.

Nevertheless, even if he was sassy and stubborn, he was the only one that could comfort Taeyong in the gentlest way possible – aside from Jaehyun  and Ten that is. There were times, back when he was still in high school that he would have fights with Jaehyun. They had yelled at each other, silly fights over silly things, and the end product of it was him not talking to people. Even his parents, kind as they were, had a hard time of comforting him and coaxing him to feel better. Yet there was no avail in their effort.

It was moments like those that Donghyuck would slip into his room and curled himself beside his gloomy brother. Treats like chocolates and sweets were placed on top of his textbooks and in his uniform pants. Paintings of the sun and both of them under it, Taeyong holding hands with him, smiling so big that the lines extended the face of his cartoon self. Days would pass by, he would reconcile with Jaehyun again, the younger apologising and telling him it was his fault. Little by little did Taeyong found out it was Donghyuck’s doings - calling the other and scolding him for making his brother sad.

And it was times like this when Taeyong needed Donghyuck by his side. There was never an outing with Jaehyun that Taeyong find displeasing but the trip to the café that afternoon had changed it. For the whole visit, Taeyong had to sit through the unbearable flirts and silly banters of Jaehyun and Sicheng. Apparently after a few minutes of conversing with Jaehyun, which was really not that much apart from Jaehyun talking about his upcoming assignments, Sicheng’s shift had ended and Jaehyun decided to offer him to sit with them.

He declined at first, seeing that Taeyong was there and said it wouldn’t be nice of him to interrupt their time. Taeyong had wanted him to say yes, wanted to tell him to turn his back and leave him be with Jaehyun. He knew it was cruel of him to have such thought but he really wanted to have Jaehyun all by himself since they couldn’t meet in a few days’ time due to Jaehyun’s busy schedule. Though, the pleading gaze that the blonde gave him stopped his mouth from giving his answer.

With a heavy heart, Taeyong nodded.

Taeyong wondered how they became such good friends. They looked so natural with the flow of the conversation, the touches of their hands around each other. Taeyong knew it was childish of him to think such things, thinking that Sicheng was stealing his best friend’s attention, stealing Jaehyun in general. But as much as he wanted to blame and hate the Chinese boy, it was undeniable he was charming to say the least.

He couldn’t even find any reason for him to dislike Sicheng. The boy was sweet, endearing even with his accented Korean and his childish acts. He painfully reminded him of Donghyuck, and Taeyong could never hate Donghyuck in any matter. Besides, when Jaehyun spent his most of his attention on Sicheng, it was the auburn haired himself that helped Taeyong to remind Jaehyun that Taeyong was _there_ , his _best friend_ was there.

With the lights from the streetlamps flickered on, brightening the pavement and streets, Taeyong dipped his head forward and watched as his legs took one step forward. It was long since they left the café, saying their good byes to Sicheng along with Jaehyun promising that they or rather, _he_ will visit the place again. Taeyong regretted drinking the entire cup of his sweet smoothie, he could have swallowed the bitter lump at the back of his throat.

The sound of cicadas ringing as they passed the park was somewhat comforting to Taeyong. It deafened the sound of his heart breaking, deafening the sound of their sneakers colliding with the concrete pavement. “Hey, hyung.” The fingers that wrapped around Taeyong’s wrist caused him to be jerked back, stopping his legs from planting another step. Taeyong faced Jaehyun, asking with his eyes what was wrong.

“I – I have something to ask you.” The shaking voice, the reluctance etched at the tip of his tongue, the hand hooking behind his nape. Taeyong could only watch.

“What is it, Hyunnie?” He hoped Jaehyun didn’t catch the cold tone.

 

“Hyung, I think I like Sicheng.”

 

_Breathe in. Breathe out._

 

“You _think_?”

 

“I’m not sure if I really like _like_ him, you know? We’ve only known each other only for a short while, after all.”

 

Taeyong chuckled, the lump becoming bigger, bitterer.

 

“Well, what do you know? Our Hyunnie has a crush on a cute barista and he didn’t even bother to tell his best friend.”

 

He was the one who pushed Jaehyun, weakly. Yet, Taeyong was the one that felt like falling onto the ground.

 

“Hyung, it’s not like that. I’m just shy, okay?”

 

Taeyong kept his head down. His eyes could only see red.

 

“What should I do, hyung?”

 

“I don’t know, Jaehyun.”

 

 _I don’t fucking know_.

 

 

 

 

“ _It's so cliché_.” Taeyong thought as he balled himself further into his bed.

 

His earphones were still clinging to his ears, slow melodies bleeding through the ear buds as they closed the noise of his surroundings. The knocks on the door was unheard as he buried his face deeper in the soft comfort of his pillow. The pillow beneath his head was dampened by the tears he shed earlier with his sheet and blanket crumpled due to his weight. His normal slightly OCD self would have screamed at the sight of the wrinkly mess he had made, but not tonight.

Tonight was not the night for him to think straight.

Tonight was the night where his heart won over his brain and his body moved as it wanted without his mind controlling.

Tonight, Taeyong will forgive himself for crying.

 

 

####

 

 

Leaves began to fall, temperatures slowly dropped, orange and brown stirred in every background as the turquoise of summer said its goodbye as autumn began its visit. It’s been long since Taeyong had a chance to stand in the nearby park to spend some time for his own self. Classes and tests had been nerve wrecking, causing him to almost have a panic attack once when the lecturer telling them one of the papers needed to be held earlier than scheduled. Nonetheless, he was able to answer them albeit a tinge of uncertainty here and there.

Dampness and the smell of mud enveloped his sense of smell as the sun softly warmed his body despite of how late it was in the afternoon. Kids ran by passed him, hollering of what it seemed to be suggestions of fun and games they were going to play. The crunching sound of the leaves beneath the army boots that Taeyong was wearing had his eyelids slowly drooping down and encased his vision in black, permitting his eyelashes to fan out.

_“You’re beautiful.”_

_Clink_

_Giggles_

_Clink_

_“Happy Birthday”_

_Snap_

 

He opened his eyes.

“Taeyongie hyung?”

The dread in the pit of his stomach began clawing, shaking, begging to be released. His thoughts ran a mile as tried his best not to run from there. Questions upon questions played in his head as he cursed the world of the game that they were playing. If it was a normal day, he would have called it fate with giddiness and childish giggles but today was not the normal day.

Turning his head to the culprit of snapping the stick, he was welcomed by the sight of Jaehyun. Jaehyun and all his glory in a red beanie perched up on his head contrasting it with the dark attire he was wearing. Even with him wearing the simplest outfit; black varsity jacket with a dark plain shirt, long legs covered in a black skinny jeans and grey vans – even so, Jaehyun looked undeniably attractive. Taeyong could feel his chest thrumming violently at the sight.

“Hey, Hyunnie. Didn’t expect to see you here.” The blonde made his way to where Taeyong stood, grinning along the way as he looked up to the mundane sky.

A gust of wind passed them and Taeyong shivered by the coldness of it. He pulled his jacket tighter around his petite body, hoping there would be some warmth it could offer. Jaehyun noticed the action and asked whether he was cold but Taeyong shook his head. “It’s just a small wind.” The blonde furrowed his eyebrows and pulled the elder’s hands out from the pockets.

“Hyung! Your hands are freezing cold. How long have been standing here?”

“I – I don’t know. But really Jaehyun, it’s nothing.” He tried to pry his hands away from the firm hold of Jaehyun’s but the other only tighten his hold, annoyance painted his face as he blew hot breath onto his small hands.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Jaehyun muttered and continued with his ministration.

They stood there, Jaehyun alternating between massaging and rubbing Taeyong’s hands. Taeyong’s chest pounded hard with how close they were, faces only inches apart. The way Jaehyun was acting, of how he was taking care of Taeyong, his tone of worry when he held Taeyong’s hands in his. It was all too much. It was too intimate.

Jaehyun stopped massaging and Taeyong was about to pull his hands back when the blonde took one of them in his and intertwined their fingers together. Taeyong looked up in confusion; blush masked by his already pink skin due to the cold. Jaehyun only grinned. “Just making sure that you’re not going to freeze again.” He tugged their tightly clasped hand, making a motion for them to walk around and Taeyong followed.

It was relaxing that evening. The warmth that radiated from Jaehyun calmed him, taking his minds off of things but the scraping against his heart was still there. He knew they weren’t supposed to be like this, walking hand in hand, acting so close to each other. Taeyong knew it was all wrong. Even as friends, they weren’t allowed to act as such. People will get the wrong idea. It wasn’t fair for Jaehyun. It wasn’t fair for Sicheng.

The thought of the other made Taeyong feel guilty of what they were doing. After that eventful day, Jaehyun kept talking about Sicheng. From how it all started with a polite greetings to friendly jokes and slowly etched into something more than Jaehyun expected. The blonde often called him when he got back home in his room after seeing Sicheng at the café. His tone was always tender whenever he told Taeyong what the Chinese boy did, the image of Jaehyun smiling came to his mind as he hummed to show the younger he had his attention.

He describe Sicheng with so much affection that Taeyong often find himself wondering what it would feel like to be Sicheng. To not know that there was someone card for him, a person giving his attention even when he wasn’t conscious of it. His days were filled with wonders and envy of what would it be if he was Sicheng, a person that was loved by the person he loved the most.

“Hyung, there’s this party my friend – you remember Seokmin?” Taeyong hummed, gazing at the dried leaves spread messily around them. “So Seokmin is having this kind of gathering and I thought of bringing you and Sicheng.”

 _Of course. Of course, it’s going to be him._ “When is it?”

“It’s this Saturday and I already asked Sicheng if he’s free and he said yes. Hyung  –“

“I don’t think I can go.”

“Why?” They stopped walking when Jaehyun yanked him back. The familiar move had Taeyong’s head replayed to that night when Jaehyun told him his feelings for the other boy. He was reminded of the claws of jealousy scraping against the back of his mind, of how his chest tightened, of how weak he felt. He pulled back his hand from Jaehyun.

“I have a project –“ Jaehyun frowned.

“You always say you have projects and stuff. We haven’t even had the time to hang out and we barely text each other. Sometimes I think you’re just avoiding me.” He whispered the last part.

“I’m not –“

“Please, hyung. I want to spend time with my favourite people. Please?”

Looking at Jaehyun was a mistake. The pleading gaze and the soft hold of his big hands on his forearm had his walls crushed in a second. He knew that he will regret ignoring the answer that the little voice in his head hissed repeatedly. But it was Jaehyun, he would do anything to make him happy, even in the end he was beaten down with shattered glasses surrounding him.

Without thinking much, he muttered a small “Alright.”

 

 

Saturday night came around and Taeyong found himself sitting beside Sicheng and the end of the table of a restaurant near their campus. As an introvert, Taeyong was never fond of parties. The idea of trying to mingle around with strangers and the air laced heavily with the smell of alcohol, sweat and some other things that were unpleasant which Taeyong didn’t want to know what they were –  made him squirm.

So when they arrived at the said restaurant, he felt relief washed over him. There were still quite a number of people yet Taeyong preferred these types of mingling around rather than having to scream his throat out to have a conversation. They picked up Sicheng earlier at a bus stand around the corner, though not without Jaehyun rushing to him and pulled his hands in his. Taeyong turned to his phone when Jaehyun started kneading the Chinese as he blew hot air to them, chiding how the other wasn’t wearing any gloves.

 _How familiar_ , he smiled bitterly.

His reverie was interrupted when Seokmin sat beside him. “Hey, Taeyong hyung.” He greeted Taeyong cheerfully.

Seokmin was an English Literature major, a classmate of Jaehyun’s. The boy was known for his loud personality, often his lips stretched into a gummy smile with eyes in crescents that Taeyong found endearing. He was reminded of Ten whenever he look at the boy. The boy was friendly too, a bit too friendly at times where he would jump on people and gave them the best hugs he could offer. Taeyong had his fair shares of those times though he didn’t mind.

“Hey, Seokmin.” He greeted back.

“Sorry to ask, but who’s the dude beside you.” He tried to whisper not so subtly causing Taeyong to giggle and Sicheng to grin. Before Taeyong could open his mouth, another voice helped him to answer instead.

“This is Sicheng, he’s my friend. Be nice to him.” Jaehyun gave Seokmin a stern look but the guy seemed to not notice since he’s ogling over the auburn haired boy.

“ _Your_ friend? Not Taeyong hyung’s as well?” He asked as he shifted his attention back to Jaehyun, smirking.

Taeyong tried not cringe, hiding his uneasiness by playing with the chopsticks. At the corner of his eyes, he could see Jaehyun struggling trying to explain. “He – well, he’s Taeyongie hyung’s friend as well. Sicheng is both of our friends. Right, Sicheng?” Sicheng spluttered an agreement to the statement. They were _friends_ , in a way.

Seokmin cocked an eyebrow but then decided to let it be. His name was called out by another table, causing him to excuse himself. Before he left the table, he reminded them to have fun and eat all the things they want. “Oh, there’s even soju and other drinks if you want. Just call the ahjumma, she’ll send it to you guys.” He gave a sneaky wink and went to his friends.

Drinks and meats were ordered as the night passed slowly. Chatters were thrown here and there and soon the place was filled with buzzing of voices. Music were played in the background though it very subtly. Taeyong checked on the meat that he was grilling. The sizzling sound of the red piece of neatly cut lump of red cooking had people around him drooled with want yet Taeyong’s stomach didn’t even growl at the sight.

He felt full just by watching how Jaehyun was pampering Sicheng. The blonde made sure the other was comfortable, asking him from time to time whether he was having a good time. Sicheng answered all of his questions in positive. He asked Taeyong as well, Jaehyun not forgetting him this time and Taeyong assured him everything was fine. When Jaehyun was satisfied, he turned to converse with his other friends. So much for spending time with the people he cherished.

That left him with Sicheng. It was awkward at first, glances passed from time to time, hands occupied with anything that their fingers could fiddle with. But Taeyong took it on him; the awkwardness that radiated around him was unbearable. He asked basic questions, the ones he was sure Jaehyun had asked him before like _how long have you been working there, where are you studying, what are you taking_ and others.

Talking to Sicheng turned out to be surprisingly pleasant. The low voice of the Chinese boy still took Taeyong by surprise. His voice was really different than what the older had imagined from his appearance. Apparently they somewhat had a lot in common. Sicheng was a dance major too but he was more leaning towards the traditional dances in which made Taeyong admired him more. Taeyong helped him with words that he wasn’t familiar with and Sicheng smiled gratefully seeing that the older was enjoying his company.

They were discussing about the latest game that had come out (another surprise for Taeyong since Sicheng was an avid player of playing the said game) when Jaehyun leaned in beside Sicheng. “Seems like you guys are having fun without me.” He pouted, resting his chin on Sicheng’s shoulder. Although his face was stoic, Taeyong could see a pretty shade of pink blossomed on his cheeks.

“Of course, Taeyong hyung is the one that’s taking care of me.” He then grabbed Taeyong’s arm. The older laughed at the sudden contact, a bit flustered by the sudden contact.

“I thought you said you liked me.”

The three of them went silent. Taeyong’s ears heard the familiar buzzing, his stomach roiled. He felt sick. He saw how Sicheng was stunned as well, lips in a tight line and the grip on the elder’s arm tightened. It hurt a bit but Taeyong was too busy trying to calm himself.

“I – I need to go to the toilet.” Taeyong stuttered silently and excused himself from the table in haste.

His legs wobbled their way through the furniture and people on his way to the toilet. The image of a red face Jaehyun with a shot of soju in his hand burned in his mind as he cupped his mouth. Everything around him was spinning, his head was spinning, the sickness at the back of his throat began to sting, ready to be released any moment.

Despite seeing everything around him swirling around, Taeyong managed to find an empty stall. Not even a second passed, the content of his stomach emptied itself like reflex. He didn’t know how long he stayed there kneeling, hands trembling as they wrapped themselves around his sides. A few tears slid down his cheeks and he tightened his hold with his head hanging.

 

_Colours of red and blue mixed before him._

_The sound of the clinking glass pierced his ears._

_Chatters of the past shadowed around._

_Taeyong, it was an accident._

 

A hand carefully gripped his shoulder and Taeyong weekly tilted his head to look. His eyes was met with Seokmin ‘s concerned ones. “Shit, Taeyong hyung. What happened? Are you alright?” He kneeled down beside the older, quickly flushing the toilet for him. The sweet and quiet voice of the former soothed his hazy mind and Taeyong nodded slowly.

“I’m good.” His legs were still wobbly but he managed to stand up. Seokmin caught his small figure when he swayed too much.

“Are you sure? How much did you drink?”

“I only drank juice. Honestly, Seokmin, I’m fine.”  Taeyong promised before he went to the sink to rinse his face and the sickness out of his mouth.

“Do you want me to tell Jaehyun? I’m sure he’ll –“

“No!”

From the mirror, Taeyong could see the surprise in Seokmin’s face from his outburst. Taeyong took a deep breath and turned around. “I’m sorry for…that. Just – please, don’t tell Jaehyun or Sicheng or anyone. I’m _fine_.” He finished off with a small smile.

Reluctantly, Seokmin nodded his head and Taeyong felt relieved. He went out of the bathroom after thanking the younger, feeling less disturbed than before. When he arrived at his table, he saw both Sicheng and Jaehyun gone. He tried to pay no mind to both of their absence and continued to pour himself a glass of water that was provided. But after minutes passed by with no sign of his friends, he asked the girl that sat the opposite side of him if she knew where they were.

“They said they were getting some air.” Was her only reply.

Strings around his heart were tugged, pulled by his gut, the little voice started to whisper again. Big red caution signs started blinking brightly but his body moved on his own. One step, two and his legs brought him nearer to the doors. He thought he saw Seokmin in the corner of his eyes, the worried look was still there, plastered with no intention of leaving soon. The little voice that had been whispering grew louder and louder, shouting at him to turn around and head back. But it was already too late, the sirens had fallen deaf. He slid the door to the side, stepping out into the cold open air.

He should have sat at the table and ate. He should have sat in the bathroom and talked to Seokmin. He should have listen to the little voice.

He should have not come when Jaehyun pled him to.

With the last sanity Taeyong had left in him, he ran. He ran into the dark pavement, cold wind hitting his face. He ran, leaving behind his jacket. He ran with cheeks damp for the nth time that night. He ran with the sight of Jaehyun kissing Sicheng gently under the streetlamp scorched in his mind.

 

 

####

 

 

Autumn had always been Taeyong’s favourite season. Although his body was still weak when it comes to low temperatures yet the dark magenta season seemed to be an exception to him. He had reasons why he loved autumn out of all the seasons that visited his hometown. One of them was the blended hues of orange, brown and beige that were littered everywhere. Parks, streets and even shops decorate themselves with those colours. He doesn’t know why but they had a nostalgic touch in them whenever he passed by them.

Another reason was because the thought of his family popped up in his mind more often in the particular season. Kitchen filled with the sound of him chattering his day away while his mother hummed, moving from one side to his, watching him handling the knife, hand moving in circle at the back of his neck. Newspapers and books laid out in the living room, his father praising him as he knead the stiff shoulders of the older man, laptop deserted at the side. Piles of leaves burst as they slowly fell down, Donghyuck’s laughter filling the air, dark brown splattered across their small lawn.

And when it comes to autumn, the memories were made in that season was what Taeyong treasures the most. Especially the ones he made with Jaehyun. Midnight strolls to the park, hands circled around their cans of hot drinks. Talks about their future under the starless sky, mountain of blankets around them as the tiles covered with a thick sheet bit them to numbness. Whispers and hugs at the far side of the school, away from the eyes and mouths, words of comfort slipped out and warm hands brushing against his cold skin. Of common admiration turned into something else with a tinge delicate love mixed within.

But as his face buried deep in Ten’s chest, the usual warmth of the season seemed to turn their back to him.

Ten sat beside him, his fingers rubbing in circles at the back of his neck, similar to what his mother often did when they laughed as they cooked in the neat kitchen of their house. His hair had gotten longer, he noted, clumping together, wet and sticky from the liquid that had left his eyes for days. The Thai stopped his ministration when the black phone on his night stand vibrated, buzzing softly for a few seconds. The screen brightened up but Taeyong didn’t have to check to know who it was. When it the vibrating stopped and the screen turned back to black, Ten continued with to draw the circles again.

His head was pounding, eyes heavy and puffy, dark circles bloomed around the area. His already thin body felt weak, heavy, as if his limbs were tied around with chains of guilt and frustration. Tugging him down, commending his head to hang in shame. Pathetic. Small. Frail. No better words had ever suited him than those.

“Im sorry, Ten.” He repeated the same words like mantra. _I’m sorry for being so weak. I’m sorry for you to see me like this. I’m sorry I’m being in this state just because of a stupid reason._

“Taeyong,” he began “I’ve told you countless times, it’s fine. You shouldn’t apologise over something you didn’t do wrong.”

He pulled back, watching the gentle orbs of Ten that looked back at him. They reminded him of the blue waves of the sea. “But I caused you trouble-“ Throat choked, breath heavy. “And I’ve been avoiding Jaehyun when he did _nothing wrong_.”

It was never Jaehyun’s fault. To see him with Sicheng that night, to run away, to avoid from seeing the younger him for days after it, it wasn’t his fault to begin with. Taeyong knew that the crushed feeling in his chest was because of his own fault, no one was there to blame but his own self.

Jaehyun never told him to fall in love with the younger. Jaehyun never asked him to devote his whole heart for him. Jaehyun never went against him to be with anyone he wanted. It was all in his hands and still, he had chosen Jaehyun. He was foolish enough to not know the boundaries of just being friends, crossing the line that was there in the very beginning. Just because Jaehyun was kind to him, that didn’t mean he wasn’t to others. Taeyong knew yet he was there, letting his vulnerable side to be stripped bare out on the open only to be filled with invincible scars.

He sobbed again, after just calming down a few minutes ago. Classes from earlier had drained all of his energy, meals that were set on the table by Hansol were forgotten, his bottle laid empty in his bag even though they had a dance class at the end of day. His relationship was distorted as well, Taeyong trying his best not to face the blonde as best as he could and so far, he had done great. But the more he avoided him, the void in some parts in him were getting bigger, deeper.

Thumbs of the fair petite male pushed away the traces of tears ever so calmly. It was like a routine for Ten, having the decency to visit Taeyong, making sure he was fine. Taeyong felt mad at himself at times when he saw the other slipping his shoes off, going straight to the kitchen and bringing out takeaways from his favourite places. Ten was kind to him as well, he took care of Taeyong like Jaehyun did, sometimes more, but he can’t find himself to see the former the same way he saw Jaehyun.

“Why can’t I just fall for you?” He whispered as he played with Ten’s fingers. They were pretty and delicate, very much like Ten when he danced.

“Because I’m not the one your heart chooses.” Ten’s forefinger tipped Taeyong’s chin up, his smile gentle. “Tae, you shouldn’t blame yourself for liking Jaehyun. You have the rights to love anyone you want; holding yourself back will only hurt you more. I know you think that you’re not good enough for him, for me, hell you don’t even feel enough for your parents but you need to know, you are _enough_.

Stop blaming yourself on everything. Sure, it’s not his fault for not feeling the same way as you do to him, but remember, it’s not your fault that you love him. It’s okay to give but not getting anything back. It’s okay to receive but not to give. I know it hurts but sometimes, these pains are the reason for you to move on, to push yourself forward.” He hummed, eyes cast downwards. Ten made him looked back into his.

“It pains me to see you this way. If I could, I would have gone to Jaehyun and punched his perfectly-hand-crafted-by-God-himself face,” Taeyong let out a small giggle. “But I know if he knew you’re like this, he would be blaming himself too. So, the best and last piece of advice that I can give you is to talk to him and settle this madness. If things go wrong and suddenly it’s raining cats and dogs - literally, you know you can always call me and I’ll be road running to your place in a flash. Okay?”

His eyes welled again but this time the pins and needles were gone, replaced with comforting blankets and a cup of hot chocolate. Blinking back his glassy eyes, Taeyong lunged forward and tightly embraced Ten. Ten knew he wasn’t holding the title ‘Taeyong’s best friend’. Ten knew how weak Taeyong was but he was there holding him, hugging him back as if the world will collapse soon. At that moment, Taeyong couldn’t be more than thankful to have another friend that cared him deeply like his own family.

“Thank you, Ten.” His whispered muffled by the Thai’s hoodie. He felt the edge of Ten’s lips lifted up.

 

 

He stood under the streetlamps and the dark starless sky, hands in his pockets and his scarf wrapped around his neck, covering the lower part of his face. The cool air made his face numb as a car passed by, allowing himself to bury his face into his red scarf. He closed his eyes, counted to twenty, and opened them again.

 _The scene is oddly familiar_ , the little voice started. He let the thought be.

Sounds of thumping on the hard pavement made Taeyong turned his head, a figure slowly coming towards him. When the person finally made a stop in front of him, both of his large hands gripped his knees, panting hard, causing condensation to do its work to create a small cloud. “Taeyongie hyung.” Jaehyun called breathlessly between pants. Taeyong greeted back, “Hey, Hyunnie.”

When he finally got his breath, Jaehyun stood up straight and Taeyong took the opportunity to drink in the image before him. His blonde locks looked more golden under the orange light, his tall lean body was covered in worn jacket and jeans, the red beanie he wore a couple of weeks ago was perched on top of his head again, letting his bangs fall softly over his forehead. Taeyong tried to memorise it all, the slope of his nose, the brown orbs that never failed to drown him in want, the pair of pink lips – a bit chapped due to the weather, had him had sleepless nights.

Well, one specific night to be exact.

“Hyung, why didn’t you answer my calls? And my texts. You left that night without telling me or Seokmin, and you even left your jacket. Are you okay? Did something –“

“Jaehyun,” Taeyong stopped him. The other looked at him confusedly. “Walk with me?”

His eyes caught how Jaehyun wanted to question his sudden request but he stopped himself, only giving a nod as an answer. Taeyong led the way with Jaehyun following him in a toll. Feet covered in worn out converse shoe stepped one in front another, getting them further from the pavement of a street into a recognisable park. It was empty, silent with only the sound of the cars passing nearby.

As they went deeper into the deserted place, they found themselves stopped in front of a playground made from wood. From the slides to the bridge to the swings, the smell of Mother Nature seemed to be lingering aroung even when it was cut and processed. Taeyong’s hand pulled Jaehyun to the swings near the benches, motioning the other to sit down. Once they both seated, Jaehyun held out his hand. Taeyong felt his insides melted at the gesture, he didn’t hesitate to interlock their fingers.

Taeyong felt as if they were hovering, hands dangled by their sides, feet planted to the ground, scuffing them slightly. “Jaehyun,” he called, the boy in name glanced at him. “Remember that day when you caught me dancing in my room?”

The blonde let out a quiet laugh, melodies floated around the empty air. “Yeah, I do. You were so flustered to the point you almost broke your arm when you tried to hide behind the chair.”

“I felt like I wanted the ground to swallow me that moment. I was embarrassed to death, not to mention I was only wearing boxers.” Taeyong groaned and Jaehyun laughed harder. A small smile crept onto his face. “And remember when I got a letter to go the interview?”

“The one that got you into the dancing course?”

Taeyong nodded.

“Of course. You were scared to death, saying that you won’t do it because you think you’ll only make fun of yourself.”

“But then you pushed me, telling me that I had to do it. I cried like a baby and you told me I’ll do great, that I’ll be one of the best dancers they’ll ever get. And when I passed the interview, you came to our house, throwing a celebration party.”

“And look where you are now, hyung.”

“And look where I am now.” Taeyong repeated.

Silence ensue them, both lost in their own thoughts. The low amount of light provided by the park helped Taeyong to see the other looking at him, felt the piercing gaze that Jaehyun sent in his way. He could see the bubbles of questions surrounded Jaehyun, confused, anxious, the blonde wanted to know what was going on, why were they here. His digits tremble at the back of Taeyong’s hand, the older spoke up.

“You know you can ask if you want, Jaehyun.” His voice soft and the trembling stopped.

“Why are we here, hyung?”

Taeyong let go of his hand.  The buzzing was poking at the back of his head. “What do you mean, Hyunnie?” Jaehyun’s long legs stretched out, setting both of his feet flat on the ground, his body looming over Taeyong. The latter didn’t flinch.

“What I mean is why did you ignore me for days and now suddenly we’re here, talking about this – past? I don’t know. Why hyung? Did I do something wrong? Is something happening? Can you _please_ tell me what I did?” Desperation dripped within him, his voice, his body, his face. Taeyong stood up when he saw the hurt in Jaehyun’s eyes, cursing himself in the process.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. You would never do that, Jaehyun-“

“Then what the fuck is happening.”

Breathing hard, Jaehyun backed up from the arms that were reaching for him. Taeyong felt a pang in his chest but he retracted them regardless. It wasn’t supposed to be this way; Jaehyun shouldn’t be in this state. The needles were pricking again, the sand flowed faster through glass, the little voice was screaming at him, cursing, accusing for his stupidity.

“It’s me.” He whispered. Jaehyun didn’t hear it, his breathing ragged as if he wasn’t receiving enough air.

“It’s me, Jaehyun. You did nothing wrong.” After he listened to that, Jaehyun’s tensed muscles relaxed. Though the temperature was beginning to be lower, the heat between them was still there, tension still stiff, unmoved. They stood there, facing each other, the ticking was getting louder and Taeyong knew they didn’t have much time now, _he_ didn’t have time.

Emotions washed over him when he tried to remember the words he had rehearsed before coming, the ones he had been practicing for hours with Ten before sending the text to Jaehyun and walked out of the door. But as soon as his eyes glazed, drinking the sight of an angry, confused Jaehyun, his mind went blank. Fear banged against the door, demanding him to open it except this time Taeyong decided enough is enough. He took a deep breath, eyes locked with the beautiful ones belonged to the younger.

“Jaehyun, I love you.”

Jaehyun’s eyes widen, his mouth fell agape. Taeyong could feel his heart pounding against his chest, he felt dizzy, the buzzing getting louder and louder yet he had stood his ground. He knew he was playing with a very thin string, but the other part of him decided that it was enough. Years of torturing himself over this pile of tangled strings had to be put to a stop. Ten’s advice rang in his head and he closed his eyes before he continued.

“I love you, the way you treated me with gentle and care. You supported me through everything, even when people laughed at you for hanging out with me. You looked at me in a different light, you never _ever_ asked me for anything. You became a friend to me in the sincerest way possible that made me fell for you. I know, it isn’t supposed to be this way but I just wanted to tell you because this had been killing me inside for years and I can’t take it anymore.”

His cheeks were wet, he was gasping for air but the weight at his back was lighter. The sounds that were circling around him became quiet, the whispers and screams disappeared. Hands that were dangling at his sides were clutching to his pants, his head was still bowing. All of the sands had gone through the tight space of the glass, not even a tiny piece was left and the ringing of the alarm blared.

Taeyong stood there waiting for anything to be said, to be screamed, to be thrown yet he received nothing. His big dark eyes that were fixed on the soft padding of the playground mat shifted upwards, to see the other albeit his mind prevented him. Jaehyun was still there, standing still with the look of what Taeyong couldn’t read. Taeyong let the door open for the fear that earlier banged on it, his hand trembling as the younger made no attempt to open his mouth.

“Please, say something. Anything.” Taeyong choked the words out, forcing them through the narrow space of his throat.

The blonde furrowed his eyebrows, guilt painted his face. “Hyung, I’m sorry.”

A sound of glass crashing and shattering rang in his ears. Taeyong nodded, a small smile pinned against his lips. “It’s Sicheng, isn’t it?”

“How did-“

“I saw you two that night. And the look you gave him. I saw them all, Jaehyun.”

Realisation hit Jaehyun’s face and Taeyong could see, feel the guilt wrapping around the former’s neck, eyes heavy with words of apologies. Taeyong shook his head, a sign of assurance. He shouldn’t be apologising. It was supposed to be Taeyong. Jaehyun didn’t ask to be placed in the middle, it was Taeyong that pushed him, cornering him in the dark with blades forced at his sides. It was all Taeyong.

“Hyung, you mean so much to me.”

Taeyong nodded at his words, his fingers tightening its hold.

“But I can’t – fuck. I can’t do this. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, hyung.”

A few tears rolled, following the trails of the earlier ones that had left. He nodded his head again. It was to be expected; the answer that Jaehyun were to give. His tears kept falling, streaming down his delicate face. The pieces on the grounds were piling up, red smeared around him. Parts of him tried to comfort but no avail, the damage had been done. No matter how much he tried to pull himself, he couldn’t – not with Jaehyun looking at him with those eyes.

At this point, Taeyong didn’t care anymore.It was already near the finish line, he should just take anything he could before they fade. “Can – can I ask you for one last thing?” He sniffled, using the sleeves of his jackets to wipe his face.

“What is it, hyung?”

“Can you kiss me?” _For one last time._

Reluctance.

“Please, Jaehyun.” He pleaded with all the might he had left.

“I – Okay. Okay, hyung.”

Gone was the warmth he usually felt when Jaehyun moved close to him, replaced by the coldness. Gentle hands settled themselves on his cheeks, the thumbs swiping away the dried tracks of the earlier tears. His favourite eyes glazed with his imagination of love would be; the adoration he dreamed of seeing in the beautiful dark orbs of Jaehyun, the lack of light made his irises looked darker – almost black.

Dipping his head forward, their breaths mingled with each other, the older placing his hand over the bigger ones that were cupping his face. And with the last of the crumbling pieces they had, Jaehyun pushed his lips against Taeyong. It was supposed to make the butterflies in his tummy to flutter about. It was supposed to make him see fireworks, tingles travel through his body and nerves. But as Taeyong pushed his lips back, he could only see a boy standing in the middle of a flooded floor with the longing in his heart growing.

A mistake was repeating and this time, both of them could remember it clearly.

Jaehyun was the first one the pulled back. He rested his forehead against Taeyong with both of their eyes closed. When fluttered them open, he realised the plump cheeks of the other were damp. “Jaehyun?” he called, whispering the name like a secret.

“We can’t do this hyung.” Jaehyun voiced, hoarse.

“I know.”

“You know that we’re going to grow apart in the future.”

“I know.”

“And one day, we’ll pass each other like we’re strangers.” Jaehyun said alas before he planted one last kiss.

That night, Taeyong went home feeling colder than ever. His phone didn’t light up with the familiar sound of vibration accompanied with it. The dinner that Hansol left for him in the dining table was again left untouched. The memos and papers placed nicely around his study table that were written by Ten were then scattered across the floor.

They say the typical love story will end with both lovers standing on the polished wooden stage, bowing to the crowds who cheered in joy as the curtains draped beautifully – hiding the beautiful scenery behind the closed blinds. Yet, for some, their typical love story had them end in tears with the drapes dropped across the floor, railings rattling across the floor stage filled with holes along the soundless crowd as their company.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Fun fact : I actually spent a whole month to write this story. I know, such an amateur. 
> 
> So first, I would really like to thank our lord and savior @tukimecca letting me use her prompt. I've been struggling with writers block lately and this prompt really helped me to over come it, so thank you so so much. And secondly, I would thank you guys that read through this whole mess of emotional breakdown and frustration, I know it hurts but you guys deserve a round of applause :') 
> 
> I know there are parts that are lacking in this story but regardless, I'm still proud of it. If you read my other stories (which is like 3 other fics) you would know that I prefer fluff over angst. I decided to switch it up a bit and challenge myself so yeah, this is the end product. This is the best work I've ever done so far and I hope I can improve myself in the future. I don't think I'll have time to write another story real soon since I'll be going back to college in a week's time but I'll still try to find the time to write. Till then, let us all give our love and support for our boys :)
> 
> You can reach me out on twitter - @boysblimitless


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